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You go somewhere to supposedly have a good time. But what happens? The kid goes off their leash and flirts with death and YOU have to forgo trips to the buffet and enjoyable adult interaction to supervise the child.

And the kid always knows to go for the most dangerous thing in the house: steps, ledges, knives, open manhole covers.

So fucking annoying. Will you get off the fucking steps and come play with a goddamn teddy bear? So you have to follow the kid around and be his goddamn reflection while everyone else at the party is free to eat and drink and play cornhole and have a gay old time.

Oh, how you loathe them. You folks without kids out there should appreciate what you have now. You can stand by a bowl of chips and eat those chips while talking to another person.

That isn't possible in my world. Savor your party time, gang. A friend took this in Jersey surprise! The soccer player is just icing on the cake.

The frame really adds emphasis. And is there anything less rock and roll than that Have A Nice Day logo?

That has about as much attitude as a fucking Life Is Good shirt. I never used to have the plumber's crack problem but it seems like no matter how tight my belt is, I still show some ass crack.

Is this just a part of getting older or do I need to start investing in some "dad" jeans? No need to go to such extreme measures.

First of all, when you need to bend down, just take a knee instead. It's better for your back, and you'll avoid the coin slot.

Or just wear longer shirts. There is one other solution. I too suffer from plumber's crack, because I have no ass. Thus, when I bend down, the pants easy slide down my flat ass cheeks to expose the dreaded canyon mouth.

However, the way I deal with this is by not caring. At all. I'm 33 with two kids. What do I care if you see my ass?

In fact, showing people the top of my ass is about the most thrilling thing I get to do all week. That's why the plumber's crack is called the plumber's crack.

Because most plumbers don't give a shit if you see their ass. They gotta bend down to reach that pipe. If some ass peeks out of there, well some ass peeks out of there.

Forcing you to stare at their ass is just a little extra bonus to the job. So, I've recently taken to carrying a briefcase to work on days that I need to bring things to and from the office.

I didn't do this on purpose, I've had one for about a year gift from Dad , but never used it, but then I ripped my messenger bag and figured I could use the briefcase until I get a new bag.

Well, that was the plan, but I'll be damned if I'm ever switching back. The best part though? The two-block walk from the subway to my apartment after I had about 7 drinks at happy hour.

I make eye contact with no one, light a cigarette, and walk directly down the street as though I had a purpose. I always envision that I have the president's football or a suitcase nuke or something like that, and assume others look at me and assume the same thing.

It feels pretty badass. I'd buy a pair of handcuffs, just for the thrill of handcuffing it to my wrist and walking around in public.

You always see that move in movies, but you never see anyone do that in real life. Imagine buying a briefcase, handcuffing it your wrist, and then just walking around a Metro area while wearing a trenchcoat and fedora.

You'd get 50, stares. Anyway, I used a messenger bag when I worked in an office for one reason and one reason only: I do not like carrying things.

If it's a choice between carrying something by hand, or slinging it over a shoulder and thus leaving both hands free, I take the sling option every time.

I want that extra hand free. What if the phone rings and it's in my left pocket and the briefcase is in my left hand? Work bags are annoying because, and I'm only speaking for myself here, anything I put in that bag that wasn't food never, EVER came back out.

Maybe I needed to bring papers to some meeting or something. But after the meeting, if there were still stray papers I never used, those stayed in the bag forever.

I never cleaned it out. When I got laid off from my job last year, I went to clean out the bag and inside were radio scripts from eight years ago, plus an empty Capri Sun pouch, an issue of SI dated , and a cord whose use I couldn't even determine.

A work bag is essentially a repository of old shit. It's the desk drawer you sweep everything into when the boss walks around, only you carry it from place to place.

I'm drunk. I'm supposed to remember the thing under my stool? I, like most people, enjoy many foods that are constructed with a top and a bottom-pizza, bagels, donuts, etc.

So one day, while eating a slice of pizza, I just flipped it. I've since used this technique on all similarly designed foods. My life has completely changed.

Likely not. Your reasoning is sound. However, those foods have bottoms for a reason: support. That's a load-bearing crust on your pizza. How do you flip a fresh slice of pizza upside down to eat it?

The cheese and toppings would fall right off. Same with a bagel that has cream cheese and salmon on it.

Turn it upside down, and it goes right in your lap. And you don't want salmon dick. That smell never goes away, especially if you're like me and you don't like washing your clothes or your body.

I've pondered the upside down bite every once in a while as well. It works with certain foods that have structural integrity on top.

For example, a Danish. The Danish has the fruit and icing on top. That's the shit you want. In a perfect world, the Danish would be made entirely of icing.

However, flip a Danish upside down, and usually the icing and fruit stay on. Welcome to flavor country. It is annoying how many foods have tasty components that hit the roof of your mouth first, requiring you to tongue baste it while it's in your mouth, to turn it around and get the good shit on your tongue.

Birthday cake is like this. I could care less about the cake part. I want the three-inch thick frosting flower I strategically cut for myself. Which is why I'll bite the cake with my head tilted sideways, to give the frosting head start down to the taste buds.

NOTE: I'm the guy at the birthday party who will see the dimpled ridge of frosting left unattended from cake that has already been cut away, then run my finger along that ridge to get every last bit of frosting off the gold cardboard serving platter.

That rules. Another strategy is one that works with, say, a mini-cupcake. I begin tipping the cupcake toward me as it's going into my mouth, so that the cake will effectively do a somersault upon entry and land bottom first on the back of my tongue.

Perhaps I think about food too much. You ever notice that almost every city has a network affiliate channel 7 whose logo is a 7 in a circle?

This is because most channel 7's are ABC affiliates. ABC's logo is a circle. I always get thrown off if I go to some other American town and the major network affiliate numbers are something different from what I'm accustomed to.

Always has been dipshit. It's 4 virtually everywhere. If I go somewhere and it isn't on Channel 4 for whatever reason, I get terribly uncomfortable.

Same with ABC and 7. Sometimes, I'll get a hotel room and the major networks are wayyyy down the dial, which is fucking weird. Like, even if ABC is channel 7, it'll still be on Channel 35 on the hotel's receiver.

That fucks me up. I'm talking a casual hookup bj, not getting one from a significant other where there's a comfort level.

I recently said, "That was amazing" and felt like a complete dbag. I think, "Thanks" would have been worse.

It would have been. There's really nothing to say. You said everything you needed to with your grunting and moaning and writhing around and explosive skeeting.

Nothing else needs to be added to it. You're only going to ruin the moment by opening up your big stupid mouth.

Let the moment rest. Then have some chips. I've got my money on the toilet seat handle. Think about it. Right after you're done handling your business on the toilet, you have to go wash your hands so you eliminate the worry of having crap on your hands.

But what do you do every time before washing your hands? Flush the toilet, thereby potentially leaving some residue on the handle.

If I've made a mistake while wiping and managed to give myself the stinkfinger, I'll always wash my hands before flushing. The washing of the hands is fraught with its own danger as well.

Let's say you're changing a baby and you get poop on both hands. This will happen to you on occasion if you have kids. Then you have to go wash your hands.

But now you're gonna get poop on the faucet because you have to turn the faucet on! So you kind of nudge the faucet one with your wrist and hope to get a decent stream from there.

Anyway, that faucet handle can get mighty yucky. But those are things you see every day. Like behind the toilet.

It's like The Exorcist back there. The poopy bacteria have built up and are now ready to mobilize. You don't want to fuck with them.

Also, ever pull your fridge or oven out to see what's underneath? You'll be horrified. I've seen grapes that now have limbs back there. It's not my fault a dropped grape is somehow magnetized to the fucking underside of the oven.

Little bastards. Do we even need to mention that half of that hybrid car is derived from petroleum products and still burns oil to some degree?

Oh, do I hate that plate with every fiber of soul. I'd give anything to track it down and coat it in petroleum.

At what point did all the bagel shops stop toasting bagels and just singe them instead? To me there's nothing worse than ordering a toasted onion bagel, having it race on a conveyor belt through a degree furnace and come out 6 seconds later with the edges blackened yet still doughy in the middle.

Can we dial down the temperature and slow down the conveyor so that we can get a nice golden color throughout the bagel a little bit of crunch?

I'm sure I'm not the only one that would mind waiting the extra 20 seconds. Actually, you might be. And I mean the height of orgasm.

Remember, just as nausea and vomiting are two separate processes, so are orgasm and ejaculation. Gym teachers are pervs.

Paul Feig, who created Freaks and Geeks , has a collection of short stories about being a kid. One of them deals with the rope. Great orgasm, though I needed to change my boxers before I went back to sleep.

I learned to climax without using hands, at age 12 or so. Oh, the sweet orgasms before much semen output! Later I learned that guys masturbate by stroking their penis by hand.

It felt like nothing, I thought I had a much better system figured out. Jerking off is much more convenient than finding a soccer goal to hang from, though, so I grudgingly made the transition once I started the growth spurt and massive ejaculations.

I still feel some of my best orgasms ever came via that method. Relevant youtube link. Just curious! Most guys can only achieve that while sleeping.

I hope you cleaned up after yourself man. I was really bored. Good guess! The force is strong with you my son.

Why would this work? Where is the advantage?

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