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Now look around you at the 70 years old. Are they all off golfing 5 days a week? Are they even healthy enough to do what they want?

Few 75 years old are out there climbing mount Washington. Yes the above is pessimistic but the only thing you control is the age at which you have your kids.

If you are younger you have more time and opportunity to fix things around. You just have better odds of being able to fix things up if you start your family younger.

It just seems like a weird position to be fighting. I never insisted that women should have them immediately. I said starting earlier than the mid thirties has advantages.

There seems to be the fallacy that waiting has absolutely no downside. That is simply not true.

SpyGlassez June 24, , pm. A story, if I may, to disprove your assertion. My grandma married my grandpa when she was It was her third marriage divorced, then widowed and his second also widowed.

Grandma had thought she could not have children because she had never conceived. My dad was born when she was 35, my aunt when she was 37, and my uncle when she was This was in the mid s, mind you.

My grandpa passed away when I was 13; he was a lifelong smoker and died of cancer. My grandma died last year at 90, and up until her death she was still lucid, living on her own, driving around.

When my grandma was 70, she was out in the backyard chasing us around and when she was 80 she was out there playing basketball with my cousins.

A woman who has kids young may be able to chase after them better, but she may not have the financial resources to provide for that child.

A woman who waits is not necessarily making a bad decision. And either way, she may not have had a choice in waiting, depending on her life goals and whether she wanted to be married when she actually spawned or not.

Planning on getting kids when you are against the wall is not the best way to manage the risks surrounding having a family.

Why not start at 16?! Who cares! SpaceySteph June 24, , pm. In the college newspaper there were always ads- people willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for surrogate mothers.

Oh please, I see ads every day showing someone attending college in their pajamas. Actually, for me I was referring to heavy drinking.

Some sick fucks actually provided a sliding scale of payment based on your SAT scores. LTC June 24, , pm. My dad was 35 when I was born, my mom My mom 61 and her husband 63 just got back from a 12 day trip to Ireland.

Sarah June 24, , pm. A couple who has children before they are economically stable ie in their twenties will be more likely to take lower income work because they will need more money sooner.

They will be less likely to seek out careers that will increase their pay grade and they wont risk their income because of the kids.

Kids from lower income homes rarely get college funds, I should know, my mom was 23 when she had me and we struggled for money every day. The hell?

I want my kids to have a mother who traveled the world, who works at a job she loves, and makes her life choices based on her life goals, not her biology.

It is such a archaic notion to assume that people should only get their real life started once their kids are raised, like golfing or climbing mount Washington.

I prefer the mindset that kids are not a pit stop to your accomplishments, they are another part of reaching them. Lamia June 24, , pm.

I was unplanned and so were my two brothers. My parents were 22 and 23 when I was born. My dad has gone from one dead end job to another, making a myriad of bad choices along the way.

This rant is all about you and how great your life his. They can spend the first 3 or 4 years in an apartment happily and they will never remember that part of their life.

I never suggested you start getting them at 20 and keep a regular Duggar schedule. Sure start a career, get a steady job and put away some savings.

But to suggest that starting to think about kids at 35 is without risk is simply wrong. Yozi June 24, , pm. Did you not read the bit about having enough money to provide a stable future and college education for a kid?

If you need to make it to middle management before you can afford baby food and diaper boxes on a regular basis I respectfully suggest you consider moving to a new industry.

Funny enough, kids become more expensive the older they get and likely that will also go along your increasing wages as you gain seniority.

That coincidence always baffled me but it does work. For the first 6 months a kid stays where you put it.

Ok it might be 10 feet or even 15 but they will never get the full use of your acre lot. That can wait 4 or 5 years, say before they start school and by your schedule that moves the plan from 35 year old mom to 30 year old mom.

I suppose Wendy will be a live experiment we will watch right here. Given the poor maternity leave in the US, I presume that it will be different from what most experience in Canada or the EU where 1 year mat leave is common.

RealToast June 25, , pm. The late r starters are nearly universally dismayed. At , they are now experiencing the crushing burden of having to start planning for meager retirement while they try to educate the last of their brood.

Most of them are not financially able to do both well. Which for some is all the validation they require. But, the physical and financial disparity between the two choices is simply clear.

You should have children when YOU feel it is right for you. My S-I-L had her first child at She did not even want children but she got pregnant un-planned.

Now, the girl is 5 yrs old. Jena June 24, , am. Great advice! MsBorgia June 24, , am. There are pros and cons to waiting to have kids. For one, it can be a lot harder to conceive the later you wait, plus the health risks to both you and the baby.

Every age comes with its own problems. Only she will be able to decide when the best time for her to have kids is. We know that our eggs are getting older and less viable, spaceboy!!!!

Agreed, getting pregnant becomes more difficult as a woman gets older. Waiting until you get older does entail some risk, but most couples can have children via one means or another at least until their early 40s.

Children will stress any relationship. They just will. Wendy June 24, , am. Just to piggyback on this, I was 34 when Drew and I decided to start trying for a baby.

I got pregnant the first month we tried. Yozi June 24, , am. I think you and Drew have set a really good example.

It makes so much more sense to wait until you are in a good, committed relationship. My wife and I have decided to wait until she is 31 until we start trying.

She is a public school teacher and got laid off twice in the past four years due to the mass exodus of people from Long Island to cheaper parts of the country.

As a rule of thumb, any untenured teacher who gets pregnant is essentially showing herself the door. My wife is on track to receive her tenure at 31, so there you go.

Seeking college and post-grad degrees also drags out the process. Best of luck to you when you start trying! I, too, know of women in their 30s who have spent so much money and time trying to conceive.

I actually had lunch with one of them yesterday. She took hormone replacement shots for a few weeks and then got pregnant right away. Going along with this — it can also be the man who cannot fertilize, either because he has a low sperm count or because of some other reason.

And that can happen at any age, also. Jessika June 24, , am. So true! I assumed it was going to take us awhile, too, which is why I felt comfortable getting started the first month I launched this site.

Instead, I got pregnant the day I started this site. Firegirl32 June 24, , am. She could easily have had more babies at 38, 39, It may be worth checking out your family history, as I mentioned below.

Definitely true! We had our first child when I was He was conceived easily when we decided we were ready for a child.

Four years later we decided we were ready for a second child and nothing happened. We finally gave up and felt we were lucky to have our one child.

About a year later, to our great surprise and pleasure, I found I was pregnant. How did that happen? Anyway, our kids are 9 years apart in age. Physically, it is much easier to have your children a little earlier.

Financially, it is easier to have them a little later. I do know that waiting too long, and you never know what too long is for yourself until you try, can lead to infertility and expensive treatments that may or may not work.

A friend once told me that when you are ready to have a baby and not before , have a baby. Kate June 24, , am. I am aware of the biological issues, but adoption and fostering are always options too.

Kate June 24, , pm. We will all work until we die. LW3, I think you should discuss this issue with your boyfriend because his reasons for believing that women ought to have kids in their twenties might be really bogus and sexist.

I understand the biological argument for having kids early, but basically every study on the subject has show that women who are older and have more financial stability and job security raise smarter, healthier kids.

So yes there is a risk that women in their thirties will have a harder time conceiving but I think the risk is worth it if it means that they are in a better place mentally, financially, and relationship-wise to have them.

Everyone who tells you different is trying to sell you fear. Fear that you will get that awesome career and healthy relationship but that it will just all feel empty without kids.

It can be a huge regret in a life that has gone perfectly according to plan and a huge feeling of helplessness in a couple who have done everything as they planned and seen everything work as they wished until they tried to have children.

I agree about that, but, likewise, there are those who had children young and grow older feeling that their lives were defined purely by those kids, not what else they accomplished.

There will always be joys and regrets no matter which way you go. I acknowledge it is a risk. So can having the life goal of being a mother and failing at it.

Sure, maybe by the time you are ready and you want them, it will be too late. Those are your choices, period.

Regardless of age, finances, maturity, etc, those are your choices. She loves her little girl, but she has said many times that she wishes she had not had her then.

I totally agree with you spaceboy. I recall it being considered kind of weak or anti-feminist to have kids young.

They may both change their minds later, they may not. She recognizes it would end their relationship if she did it, but was going to do it anyway had she been pregnant.

How the heck do you keep that kind of thing a secret? I can barely keep christmas presents a secret from my husband!

And to be open about it with your S. It just is generally how it goes. At least in the fields I was in.

You are correct. I am finishing my PhD, and have not had kids yet. And right or wrong, when women have kids during grad school, they often have to lean on their labmates science is my field which then pisses your colleagues off and makes things a LOT harder for you.

One plus, at most schools, if you have a baby during the tenure process, they add a year. Basically, between a job, a child, and serious pursuit of a grad degree, most people only have time for two.

Whatever grad degrees you think you need better be wrapped up before kids. Nope, I think you are right. And yes there are counterexamples, of course.

But I think you mentioned earlier that sometimes having kids earlier can derail a career — I seen this more often than not during school.

I completed my masters in my mids and am considering going back; waiting is definitely the norm. Riefer June 24, , pm. Pretty much every woman understands what her window for having children is.

Maybe not. The thing is, IF she knows she wants to have kids, she has to take this into account. You just have to recognize it might take some time.

The bigger issue I find is the lack of communication. Otherwise it can lead to major problems later in the relationship. Life is about making choices and when you make a choice you are giving something up.

Having a bio baby is not a free ticket to the joy express. In my profession I work with a lot of happy, successful women and they run the gamut.

Some have one kid, some have three, some have none. It had nothing to do with waiting too long. Stuff happens.

One had her first kid at forty. I believe that there are studies that show parents with kids are in fact LESS happy than others in their day to day lives.

Christy June 24, , pm. To not even tell him is a problem. I disagree with you about the lack of pressure, though. So no, there is not pressure to have children.

There is pressure in the opposite direction, if anything. Because of health issues, I might be one of these women. Fear of biology will only convince you to make fearful choices you may not have wanted to make otherwise.

The only place I can fail at biology is in school. Good point. I think the extent problem may be overestimated.

Silly Yozi, you think it will be as easy to find a new job at 65 as it was at If the last recession should have thought us something is not to count our chickens before they are hatched.

Your ability to find a job is in good part out of your control. The job has to be there to be filled to begin with! What you do control is how you plan your finances.

My mom is 68 and just retired three months ago. There are advantages and disadvantages to having kids young, mid- to late 20s, mids, etc.

Caris June 24, , am. My mom had me when she was 32 and my younger brother when she was It would be different if she wanted to have kids at 50, because of health issues that could affect her and the kid.

Emma Woodhouse June 24, , pm. We started talking marriage seriously as I was creeping up on Actually Suze Orman is now advising people against early retirement; she encourages people to work until they are at least 67 years of age, when people can draw from both their retirement funds and Social Security assuming Social Security is still solvent in the future.

How many people can afford to retire early now anyway? Ken Mitchell June 25, , pm. Older women have a tougher time getting pregnant, and have a higher risk of serious birth defects.

No woman over 35 should EVER plan on having a child. We waited to have kids, and it was a BIG mistake. ForeverYoung June 25, , pm.

Project much? Life has no guarantees. Life is full of choices. Of all the women you know who never had children; how many decided never to have kids, and how many decided to wait and have children later and could not?

These are not guaranteed, and do not always work. These are inevitably heartbreaking even if it works. But you need to have FACTS to make accurate decisions, and here are a few; older women are less likely to conceive.

Older mothers are slightly more likely to have children with birth defects. Older mothers have less energy to chase children around, and are somewhat more likely, once their children are grown, to be too old to enjoy their retirement.

ForeverYoung June 26, , pm. Of all this talk about inability to conceive where is the adoption discussion in all of this? I am always shocked that that is never brought up as an option.

I was born when my dad was He retired when he was They are currently spending time in Arizona. In case I need to clarify he did all of this while never making 6 figures.

So to say that it is not possible is simply not true. Emma Woodhouse June 26, , pm. Ummm…my mother had me when she was 29 and my sister when she was My sister was perfectly fine.

June 26, , pm. It sounds to me like she is waiting until she is financially stable and emotionally ready to have kids, something I wish more people would do.

Does your boyfriend know about the pregnancy scare? Talking about your reactions to that might be a good way into talking about your changing feelings about children.

Your reaction sounds perfectly normal to me. The bad experience of a friend of ours recently scared me and my husband pretty roundly, too.

Relationships require constant communication and reevaluation. Is there a family history on his side which has demonstrated complications among older women in his family who had kids, for example?

Do you have a different family history? I think the women in some families have more complications than in others my mother had me at 37 with no problem, my aunt had her son at 44 with no complications at all.

In response to the first post in this thread—having kids later is not necessarily bad. As I said, my mother was 37 when I was born. My father was You do make good points, of course.

My father was a psychiatrist, and worked by choice and inclination until he got terminal cancer at age And It was hard losing my father when I was That said, I had classmates in high school who lost parents at 14—parents who were much younger than even my mother when they were born.

There are no guarantees. The only thing you can do is talk openly and see whether you can work things out. I wish you luck.

Guy Friday June 24, , am. Have you asked him? And what has he said? That year could make a big difference. ReginaRey June 24, , am. His refusal to EVER want to move out on his own is straight up unhealthy, and frankly pretty damn strange.

It begs some questions: Why is he so reliant on his parents in adulthood? Does he like being treated like a child?

Not having any desire to establish independence from your parents in adulthood is a major red flag, and one that you need to look more closely at.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether this is really the person you want to marry. If he needs his parents around all the time, what will you be to him?

Another mom? Another caregiver? Someone else to coddle him and not help him to grow up? SpaceySteph June 24, , am. Generally speaking, lots of women enjoy sex WITH a relationship.

When your crush recognized your interest in him, he flirted a little, built you up, asked you out, and invited you into bed with him. You both enjoyed the sex, and he figured he would keep that going.

And you kept answering his booty calls because you thought it would eventually lead to a relationship. If he sticks around, there are things about you he likes other than sex.

He may think you are worth waiting for. He might be interested in building a partnership with you. And there are even guys who might not be ready for sex when you are.

They may put you off a while. This actually happens! This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

The reason women of any age get quietly, unexpectedly drawn into the booty call pattern Generally speaking, lots of men enjoy sex with NO relationship.

HE did it because he was interested in sex.

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